Here's something crazy. Listen to this.
I was in the checkout line at the A&P the other night. There was a woman in front of me with a blue million coupons, so I had plenty of time to stand and look around. I noticed this old man who must've just checked out walking around between the cash registers and the front window. He had a grocery cart with one bag sitting up in the child's seat and was pushing it toward the door. He was tall, or used to be, bald on top with a gray fringe around the sides and back. He was moving his lips like he was talking to himself. First he shuffled toward the door, leaning pretty heavy on the shopping cart. Then he turned around like he'd forgot something and passed back in front of the cash registers, his lips still shuffling just like his feet. He had on a green T-shirt with white writing all over the back and front of it. It said things like "35 and stay alive, Lord slow me down" and "Put the Bible back in school where it belongs" and "GO4JESUS." When he got to the last cash register he turned around and started toward the door again, and damn if he didn't start another lap when he got close to the door.
A guy standing behind me in line with his wife said, "Guess he's getting revved up for the ride home."
I laughed and said, "Reckon so."
We kept watching him, and this is what got everybody. He leaned over and took a motorcycle helmet out of that cart. A motorcycle helmet. I hadn't noticed it till then.
"Good God A'mighty," the guy behind me said, "I didn't know the A&P was such a dangerous place."
Fiction: Holier
Than Thou | Main Map
Theory: Origins of this episode
Initial release: October 19, 1995
Last update: June 30, 1996