Name	Previous office	College attended	Religion	Favorite Pizza Topping	Advantages	Disadvantages	Potential running mate(s)
Rudy Giuliani (R)	Mayor, N. Y. C.	Manhattan College	Catholic	Pepperoni	Inspiring leader on 9/11	Messy divorce with wife	Winston Churchill, Tony Soprano
John McCain (R)	Senator, Arizona	Naval Academy	Episcopal	Mushrooms	Vietnam War hero	Messy divorce with media	Oprah Winfrey, Jack Bauer
Mitt Romney (R)	Governor, Massachusetts	Brigham Young	Mormon	Anything that doesn’t have caffeine in it	Competent, well-respected leader	Mitt? His name is Mitt?	Marie Osmond, Steve Young
Ron Paul (R)	Representative, Neptune	Gettysburg College	Protestant	Extra Cheese	Sticks to principles	Principles are a bit demented	Dr. House, Napoleon Dynamite
Fred Thompson (R)	Senator, Law and Order	Vanderbilt	Church of Christ	Canadian bacon	Remember the last actor the GOP nominated?	Entered race only because he made a bet he could do better than McCain	The Desperate Housewives
Mike Huckabee (R)	Governor, Arkansas	Ouachita Baptist University	Baptist	Pineapple	I heart Huckabee	Arkansas used up its presidential quota with Bill Clinton	Billy Bob Thornton
Darth Vader (R)	General, The Empire	Maryland	Dark Side	Pepperoni	Military experience, has what it takes to win war on terror	Ties to Jabba the Hutt pose ethical problems	Mike Nifong, Kim Jong Il
LeBron James (R)	Forward, Cleveland Cavaliers	Went straight to pros	Baptist	Extra Cheese	Guaranteed to carry Ohio	“King James” nickname might spark rumors he’s trying to start a monarchy	Peyton Manning
Barry Bonds (R)	*	Arizona State	One of those weird Bay Area cults, probably	Mushrooms	Could deliver California for GOP	Would make fighting the drug war a bit awkward	Floyd Landis, Terrell Owens
Simon Cowell (R)	Villain, American Idol	Dover College (UK)	Anglican	Sausage	Honest, up front with American people	Quite possibly the most awful candidate in America	Krusty the Clown, a lemon
Chuck Norris (R)	Ranger, Texas	School of Hard Knocks	Christian	Meat he slaughters with own bare hands	Could win war on terror with roundhouse kicks	Roundhouse kicks less effective with, say, Medicare	Indiana Jones, Popeye the Sailor
Name	Previous office	College attended	Religion	Favorite Pizza Topping	Advantages	Disadvantages	Potential running mate(s)
Barack Obama (D)	Senator, Illinois	Columbia	Congregationalist	Sausage	Great speaker. Really, he could persuade Bill Clinton to take a vow of chastity.	Name rhymes with “Osama”; would be one typo away from being sent to Guantanamo	Bob Schmitler, Joe Schmalin, Schmengis Khan
John Edwards (D)	Senator, North Carolina	UNC	Episcopal	Mushrooms	Smooth-talking Southern lawyer	Smooth-talking Southern lawyer	The talking donkey from “Shrek”
Hillary Clinton (D)	Senator, New York	Wellesley	Methodist	Sausage	Already served for eight years	Do I really need to tell you?	Bill Richardson, Bill Gates, Bill Nye the Science Guy, some other Bill that I forgot
Dennis Kucinich (D)	Representative, Pluto	Case Western Reserve	Catholic	Onions	Has ideas no other candidate does	That’s because they aren’t dumb enough to have those ideas	Jane Fonda, Rosie O’Donnell, Karl Marx
Don Imus (D)	Shock jock, New York	School of Hard Knocks	Vegetarian	Extra Cheese	Has plenty of time on his hands now	Polls poorly among nappy-headed hos, a key swing vote	Michael Richards, Mel Gibson, John Kerry
Joe Lieberman (D, sort of)	Senator, Connecticut	Yale	Jewish	Kosher Salami	Strong appeal to independents	No appeal to Democrats	Jon Scheyer
Richard Brodhead (D)	President, Duke	Yale	Methodist	Pepperoni	Dukies already used to saying “President Brodhead”	Strong resemblance to Lieberman; are you sure they’re not the same guy?	K. C. Johnson, L-Mo
Hugo Chavez (D)	Dictator, Venezuela	Venezuelan Academy of Military Sciences	Catholic	Peppers	¡Muy caliente!	¡Ay caramba!	Fidel Castro, that dude in a bee costume from The Simpsons
Jon Stewart (D)	Host, Comedy Central	William and Mary	Jewish	Mushrooms	Effective communicator, high name recognition	Would have to make fun of himself if elected; could cause conflict of interest	Stephen Colbert