Everyone’s a Terrorist
By Christopher Williams
Modern conservatives are frequently accused of anti-intellectualism. The liberal accusers try futilely to make this seem like a bad thing. However, it is clearly evident that intellectualism is dangerous to this country. Consider your own studies here at Duke.
Are you a biologist or biochemist? These majors represent the most obvious examples of dangerous knowledge. You are being given, with little regard for the nominal “ethics” of the field, all the tools and techniques needed for mass biological warfare. Such knowledge is dangerous. You engineers constitute a similar threat. Your technical know-how can be all too easily applied to destruction. The terrible image of wave upon wave of mechanical and electrical engineers swarming over our capital with their railguns and tesla rifles should haunt the dreams of every responsible citizen. Fear computer scientists, as well. Remember what an untrained five-year-old can do to a computer system. Give him four years of college education, and he’ll do it to our entire national infrastructure. And while you might quote the snarky adage “Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets” in defense of your “friends” in civil engineering, you forget that without targets, the other terrorists would have nothing to attack. Complicity is as bad as the action itself.
Geneticists, incidentally, pose a more subtle and insidious threat. They are part of the secret homosexual agenda to turn everyone gay with their tainted gene “therapy.” That’s right, all you patriots with rare bone, growth, and immune disorders – don’t accept their dark medicine. Better to suffer physically than be forever exiled from the warm, loving (but chaste) bosom of conservativism.
The threat of chemical and nuclear weapon proliferation from chemists and physicists is obvious, but the sciences are not the only danger to our national security. Even the name of the “Liberal Arts” betrays their betrayal of American values. History major risk learning enough not to repeat our past successes. Linguists of all kinds but English undermine our national language, indeed our national identity, lending unwarranted credibility to foreign powers by study of their languages. Howitzers, not Holas are the real American language of diplomacy. Philosophy majors are worse, as they are trained to think before acting (if they act at all) and there’s nothing more un-American than a plan. That’s also why you political scientists are a problem. You’ll try to understand and uphold the bureaucratic structures that keep our government from acting without hesitation. Why do you hate the freedom of our government to do whatever it wants?
And what’s up with Women’s Studies, anyway? I’m sure it would be terrorist if I could figure out what it was about.
Worst of all are the disciplines that actually study the arts – Dance, Music, Art, Literature, Theater. Art promotes ideas. Ideas promote dissidence. Remember the 1960’s? That’s right, reading is bad for America. It causes hippies. And English majors not only try to validate the existence of written words by studying them, but they actually go so far as to write their treasonous ideas on paper so that others can see. Likewise painters with their canvas and dancers with their filthy, sensual motions – they present ideas, dangerous, dangerous ideas, in easily accessed and easily discussed forms.
And even the purity of math= ematics is not above subversion to terrorist ends. Look at those “Would you vote for Hillary or Obama” polls. Numbers are being used to legitimize liberal (read terrorist) candidates who have no place in our government. Without numbers, these people would have no popularity. They wouldn't even exist.
So, fellow citizens and fellow students, I beg you: For love of this country, abandon your studies. They will only turn you into a dissident, a security risk, or both. Knowledge is too dangerous for people to have. Let other countries damn themselves with pursuit of knowledge man was not born with. You just rest blissfully in your sacred ignorance and let the world go by.
-Christopher Williams has clearly been watching too much Colbert Report.