The following selection of "Real Life Legal Humor" has been taken from CounselQuest's legal humor page at :http://www.CounselQuest.com/jokes.htm

Real Life Legal Humor :

Humorous excerpts from actual witness testimony :

Attorney: Are you going to be generally discussing that issue? Witness: If asked a question about it, yes. Attorney: Have you, in your mind, thought of a question that might be asked that you're going to offer an opinion on? I'm not going to throw stones into the wind trying to guess what you're going to say.

Q: And where did he give you those injections? A: In his office. Q: And that's exactly correct. Indeed he did. What part of your ... A: I'm sorry. Q: No, no, you're right. What part of your body did he inject?

Q: Does Quicken have -- or strike that. Did the Quicken program that you acquired have a capcity to generate a financial statement? A: Yes. Q: Was Quicken a, was the Quicken program that you -- when did you -- I'm sorry. Let me start over. When was the Quicken program first acquired? A: January 1st of 1992. Q: I don't know what I'd do if I weren't so articulate. It's been the key to my success.

Q: Then there's a minus $85,000 plus interest. What did you believe that referenced when you signed it? A: Creative financing. Q: But seriously, folks.

Q: Your foster son, Corey, who cooks for him? A: Oh, I do. Q: How often do you cook for him? A: We have probably one good meal a week. Q: Well, no commentary on your cooking, but how many bad meals do you have?

Q: But if the discount wasn't on the sales order form or the invoice or the monthly printout where would it be? A: In Kansas, along with Dorothy and Toto.

Q: And did the plaintiff tell you why she's feeling confident about going to trial in this case? A: She says God's on her side. Q: Any other reason other than that God's on her side? A: She's telling the truth. By MR. SMITH: And she's represented by me. By MR. JONES: Oh, that's true. I forgot that one. Well, that was self-evident, Mr. Smith.

Q: So, you are unconscious, and they pulled you from the bucket. What happened then? A: Mr. Stewart gave me artifical insemination. You know, mouth to mouth.

Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? A: No. I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q: Are you married? A: No. I'm divorced. Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A: A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q: Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff, is the young lady pregnant? A: The young lady is pregnant, but not as a result of my examination.

Q: Now, Darren, remember all your responses must be oral. O.K.? Q: What school do you go to? A: Oral. Q: How old are you? A: Oral.

Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York? A: I refuse to answer that question. Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago? A: I refuse to answer that question. Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? A: No.

Q: What is your name? A: Mary Ann O'Donnell. Q: And what is your marital status? A: Fair.

Q: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence? A: Because he was argumentary and couldn't pronunciate his words..

Q: Mrs. Johnson, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No. This is how I usually dress when I go to work.

Q: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial? A: The victim lived.

Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present? A: It indicates intercourse. Q: Male sperm? A: That's the only kind I know of.

Attorneys aren't beyond giving humorous testimony themselves :

Q: Tell me what you were like from age 17 to the present. What have your feelings been about having kids? A: I wanted to pursue an education and then meet the perfect man and be married a couple years, save some money, buy a house, and start a family. Q: When did that change? A: Well, -- By MR. SMITH: -- or did that change? THE WITNESS: It didn't. By MS. JONES: I think we all realize as we get older we're not going to marry the perfect man. By MR. SMITH: My wife did!

Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station? By OPPOSING COUNSEL: Objection your Honor! That question ought to be taken out and shot.

Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

Q: When was the last time you saw Mr. Mitchell? A: At his funeral. Q: Did he make any comments to you at that time?

The Court addressing the Jury: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people? A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q: Please state the nature of your relationship to the minor child. A: I'm his mother. Q: And you have been so all of his life?

The following excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune and were also taken from official court records nationwide :

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Q: Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?

Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture? A: That's me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now? A: I'll be three months on March 12th. Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th? A: Yes. Q: What were you doing at that time?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable? A: I used to be. Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

So, you were gone until you returned?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life? A: Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital? A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M. Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct? A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

Attorney David Douglas of Tustin, California recently submitted the following to Counsel Quest :

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of their accident in the fewest words possible.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving any warning of its intentions.

I thought the window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glaced at my mother-in-law, and headed over an embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone poll.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front of my car.