• You sound upset.  I’m wondering if you wanted to have sex with him/her?

• What happened when you said no?  How did your date respond when you pushed them away?

• Are you ok?  Did something happen?  Can you tell me about what happened?

What to say to someone who is a victim of sexual assault or rape:

• No one deserves to be abused.

• Whatever you did to survive the situation was the right thing to do.

• Rape is not about sex. It is an act of violence, power and control.  I believe you.  It was not your fault.  This was something that was done to you.

• _____ (trusting someone, bad judgment, etc.) is not a rapeable offense.  You can take responsibility for drinking too much, but that is where your responsibility ends.

• That must be upsetting. That must have been scary.

• I don’t think you are crazy.  It is the situation that’s crazy.  You’re reacting normally to a crazy situation.

• Flirting is a normal human condition, not an invitation to be abused.  You did not deserve to be sexually assaulted. 

• You survived and that is what matters the most.

• Many people are in situations where they are being hurt or controlled by their partner.  Is this happening to you?

• If you see injuries, ask “Was this done by someone you are in a relationship with?”

• Is your partner very jealous or possessive?

• You seem frightened by your partner.  Is he or she hurting you?

• Do you feel safe?

What to say to someone who is being abused:

• Violence is never ok.

• I am afraid (or concerned) for your safety.

• You need to know that things will only get worse.

• I am here for you when you want help (or if you want to talk).

• You do not deserve to be abused.

• You did not cause the abuse (emotional or physical).

• You cannot stop the abuse, or change the abuser.

Additional Suggestions

• Remember that emotional abuse is a very real and dangerous form of dating violence, and that not all victims are physically abused.

• Dating violence can occur in all communities and in any type of relationship including same sex relationships. Remember to use the word “partner” to be inclusive, unless the victim uses a different word.

Ethical Definitions of Sexual Assault & Rape

Understanding

What Do I Say to Someone Who Has Experienced Violence?

Special considerations for diverse population

Risk Reduction

& Prevention

Organizational Resources for Survivors

Recommended Readings

Download the Entire Resource Page

Acknowledgement