Part II - Snow White and the 7 weirdos
After catching Michael up on our previous adventures, Joe and Bryan walked through the passageway from David Chappell's apartment, we also explained about the identity of the not-David, or Fabio as we called him. Chappell then pointed out that for us to touch the birdbaths would be "bad" as in all the atoms in our body exploding at the speed of light. He talked to a voice in the wall that no one else could hear, he played with the water in one of the baths, had us all hold hands, as in a seance (but without any spiritual contact). We then stepped through a passageway and came out through a large tree into a still and quiet forest.
We walked along, and ran into an old man with his appointed UN translator who greeted us in Dutch, which translated as, "Hi, I'm Hans, welcome, have fun, say hi to the Weavers for me." We kept going through the forest, unable to get anything usable out of our guide about our mission here. Eventually we reached a river, with a dilapidated looking bridge spanning it.
Our guide suggested that he go first, as the bridge would probably not be safe for more than one at a time. He crossed as we stood away and watched, he got to the other side and motioned for us to follow. David and myself went down to the bridge while the others watched, David crossing first. As we expected, when he got halfway across, a troll voice called out from under the bridge with all the standard lines about people crossing his bridge, and how he would eat them. David convinced the troll that he would write a story about the bridge to attract more people, and of course, better people would be coming along.
When it was my turn to cross, the troll yelled at me. I tried to explain that I was a leper, but he didn't understand, and rather than explaining, I just went along with David's tactic. I explained that I would take pictures of the troll and the bridge to go with the story, and of course, better people were coming along. Jon then came down and started to cross, and not believing that the troll was very big, ignored him, whereupon, a 7 foot troll jumped up onto the bridge. We continued with the delaying tactics, and Joe came across. At this point, the troll got antsy, and picked up Joe in preparation to eating him. We convinced him to put Joe down, as Bryan was the largest and healthiest specimen. We motioned Bryan and Michael to come across, and when the troll turned his back, I got a little eager, and took a swing at his head with the crowbar, figuring the group of us could knock him off the bridge. I missed, fortunately for us.
Bryan and Michael still hadn't started to move, suspecting that we were setting them up as Purina troll chow. I had started taking pictures of the troll and gave him the old,"oops, I think I stole your soul" trick. Jon convinced the troll to get in the water and start backing up into the river. At this point, Bryan and Michael finally came across. I told the troll we needed to get a picture of his back, he turned around, and we ran like hell.
We accused Fabio of setting us up, and he admitted to telling the troll to waiting for us, figuring we should be able to handle it. Needless to say, this did not endear our guide any more than previously, as he kept setting us up for a fall.
We went through the forest, into the hills, through a ravine, where we met a giant who gave us the old, drink blood, grind bones routine. He said he smelled humans and non-humans among us, and said that he wanted to eat the humans. We readily confessed to being non-humans, attributing the human smell to the group that we beat up on back the way we came, towards the river, near the bridge.
We then started through farm country, where we encountered talking barnyard fowl, concerned about natural disasters. This excited Jon, as he was concerned with finding sulfur and chicken coops, but we did not stop to look. Along the way, we finally found out that we were headed for the christening party of the daughter of a king. We eventually came to a quaint village, with a Disney-esque castle on the hill overlooking it. We went through the town, which was very dull, on our way to the castle, which may, or may not have been our final destination, as our guide was not very good.
We entered the castle, which turned out to be Snow White's. She, her father, the king, and her new husband, Prince Charming, were present, and were talking to our elvish guide, who was familiar to them in this guise. We began to talk to the mirror on the wall, which showed us Snow White, a woman we assumed to be the wicked stepmother, and when Bryan posed a particularly crude question, showed us a woman we took to be rather accommodating.
We then talked to the royalty, and the effects of inbreeding were quite apparent from their conversational abilities. We did find out Snow White's story, and how the wicked stepmother was meant to be killed at the wedding, but did not show. We commented that we had seen her in the mirror, and repeated the show for the royals. It was her, and it looked like she was heading for the christening party.
It was decided that time was of the essence, and we should try to head her off before she got to the party. The not-David said he needed to leave separately, so he gave us his invitation to the christening so we could get in, told us to leave by the back exit and follow the main road, and try to get some unicorn horn along the way. We were taken to the castle armory, where we picked up weapons, based on what they had available, certain weapons being out of stock, and the time it would have taken to alter armor to our size, prohibitive. Along with other supplies we collected, we bid farewell, and headed out to find the right castle.
We went out the castle's back door, and walked into yet another boring "village at the base of the hill the castle sits upon, looking over the loyal subjects." This village was full of shops, evidenced by the placards with descriptive pictograms displayed. We entered what we believed to be the weavers shop, to carry Hans' respects, and found it run by a couple of first rate con artists, who also seemed to be something of nitwits. They were making a new suit of clothes for the king out of "magical" fabric that could only be seen by those worthy of their position. Obviously the magic was flawed, as none of us were able to see this fabric. Having achieved nothing useful here, we pressed onwards.
We passed into the forest, and reached a crossroads pointing the way back to the village, to the three bears' house, and to Grandma's house. We debated on the best way to go, considering that we seemed to be in prime unicorn finding territory, and had the possibility of finding two innocent young maidens with which to attract a unicorn. We chose the path to Grandma's house, discovered roadside flowers showing evidence of recent picking, and then ran into a wolf. The wolf asked if we'd seen any little girls, but we hadn't, but thought we might find one at Grandma's. The trail forked into two paths, marked Pins and Needles, and according to the wolf, a little girl had recently taken Needles, so we did. The wolf remained behind, and was lost from sight, while we eventually reached a small forest cottage.
The door was answered by Little Red Riding Hood, once I explained that I was Big Blue Riding Hood. We were invited in for refreshments, the refreshments being fresh wolf's blood. While Grandma slept soundly, snoring loudly, we partook of the drinks, myself being the only member of our party willing to sample the blood. Determining there was nothing useful to be done here, we headed out, and from what little information we could get as to the lay of the land, we took a little used path behind Granny's house, which led us to a main road that went across the plains.
On this road we encountered a brave looking man, wearing an elaborate belt with "Seven in one blow" embroidered upon it. We mentioned the subject of unicorns, and he told us of a unicorn whose horn he cut off and presented to his king. He was unable to tell us where this king's castle was, however, so we gave up on that source of horn. He also regaled up with his tale of a giant he killed just recently on a mission from his king. We asked details of what lay ahead, and he was marvelously unhelpful, only saying that badlands lay ahead, with giants, and bandits, and pirates, oh my.
We continued on our way, and he on his, and we soon saw a wagon approaching, which turned out to be the wagon of a traveling salesman. After exchanging greetings, he told us of his wares, and we entered into bargaining for dragon's blood, a remarkably poisonous and caustic substance, and powdered unicorn horn, which he toted as an antidote for all poisons, and also usable as a cure for anything which ailed us, when properly prepared. We finally agreed on an exchange of moderate sized flasks of blood and horn (which I tested to makesure they had the advertised properties), for one retractable ball-point pen (and a "dragon scale" Jon had, think round, silver, with a hole in the middle).
Jon also asked if the merchant had any sulfur, in his continuing quest for gunpowder, and the merchant whipped up some yellow powder, which was nothing like sulfur. As our business was concluded, the merchant continued on his way, and we decided to whack him and steal all his wares, but we didn't.
We then engaged in the most complicated decision of our journey, the determination of the proper route for us to take. I was of the opinion that the road we were on was not necessarily the proper one, as we came to it by a means other that the clearly marked way at the crossroads. In the interest of being safe, I suggested that we sacrifice a bit of time in order to back track and be sure. Through threat and bluster, my plan prevailed, and before we went back, David made a large stone "D" by the road so we would know if our backtracking was unnecessary (his faith in my ideas is truly underwhelming.) We went back through to plains, to the forest, to Grandma's house, and finally all the way back to the original crossroads,where we took the branch to the main road. We again went through forest, to the plains, onto a similar looking road, where we passed a large stone "D". I observed this remarkable coincidence, and marveled at the odds (as well as DCing, and Image-ining the odds.)
We reached the hills, and what the tailor described as bandit and pirate country. There was a large rock, much like a table, off to the side of the road, and while several of us were waiting for a white witch with a large lion in tow, none were surprised when a masked man, dressed all in black, lept out. He proclaimed himself the Dread Pirate Roberts (TM), and announced that he would proceed to pirate us. He was cut short by Jon, who issued a challenge of wits, which the pirate agreed to, on the grounds that we were no match for him physically, but might stand a chance mentally. He produced a vial of iocane powder, but Jon pointed out that as he issued the challenge, he should set the rules.
I then took the cups and wine, and put dragon's blood into both goblets of wine, and presented them to Roberts and Jon. Roberts took us through a dizzying logical argument, finally choosing his cup, and both drank. Jon neutralized the poison with the powdered unicorn horn, which he snuck into his cup, while Roberts dropped dead on the spot. We stole everything on him, and dumped his body in the bushes, thinking we might return for him if we encountered a miracle man upon our way.
We continued onward, and reached another picturesque village at the base of a hill, with a Disney-esque castle overlooking it. A party was in full swing, which we quickly ascertained was in honor of the princess' christening, where we took advantage of the drinks being freely distributed. We made our way to the castle, and entered with the elf-David's invitation. I checked my halberd at the door, as it was something of an unwieldy device to have at dinner, and Joe also checked his equipment. We entered the banquet hall, where quite a crowd was in attendance, including many ladies fitting the sterotypical appearance of fairy godmothers.
We were seated with our guide, who had arrived ahead of us by his own route, doing God knows what along the way. He was in his Elvish guise here, and well known to the locals by a name something like Elrhondil, which is probably wrong, as I have a very poor ear for elvish. One man in particular asked for his blessing for the harvest, which elf-boy assured him would be as good as the previous one. While we partook of the food and drink, we caught him up on what had transpired, and asked what to do about the wicked stepmother, who was seated at a nearby table. The elf was not helpful, as he was not sure what to do, as the story had gone awry. We decided that we would attempt to get the aid of one of the servants, and slip the old witch a mickey (or a Donald, or a Goofy). During this time, a rather nasty looking old woman appeared in a cloud of smoke, demanding to know why she was not invited. The king looked about ready to wet his pants, apologized profusely, and seated her at the head table.
Continuing with our plan for the stepmother (don't worry, the nasty old woman isn't completely irrelevant, if you know this story, you understand), we took the servant for her table aside, explained the situation, that we were with the elf whom everyone loved and respected, he would be doing a great service, and there might be a bit of a reward in it for him. It also helped when David explained that we would only be knocking her out to take her into custody (lies are very handy at times.) He suggested that he would signal us when it was time for the pudding course to begin, and we could do the deed. Several contingency plans were arranged, Jon took some of the iocane powder in a napkin to throw in her face if things went awry, and Michael coated a staple with Dragon's Blood that he could prick her with.
The servant signaled to me that it was time, and I joined him at the kitchen. There was a moment when I was confronted by the chef, but I explained that I was the health inspector, there to check the food for the safety of the guests, as there was a chance that it may have been bad. I assured them that the food checked out, poured enough iocane to kill most of the stepmothers in Europe into her pudding, gave the servant a quarter, and told him to serve her.
This whole time, a receiving line had been passing by the princess, which I then joined to allay suspicion, while other shad already passed through, and Jon and Michael were getting ready to put their assassinations into effect. I said nice things about the young princess, and then watched as the stepmother ate her pudding, and then fell into it. We all rushed over with the crowd, and I said I would go and get the royal physician. Jon dumped his iocane, David retrieved the poisoned pudding, neutralized it with unicorn horn, and in an act of either great bravado (or stupidity), ate it.
From that point on, things progressed normally (whatever that means). The witch was taken away, with excuses being made about her having had too much to drink, and she was later confirmed to be an ex-stepmother, she'd shuffled off this mortal coil, she'd curled up her tootsies, she'd rung up the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible, she fucking snuffed it.
Once all were done seeing the princess, the fairies revealed themselves,and came forward granting all the standard fairy godmother things, beauty, intelligence, health, yadda yadda yadda. Then the nasty fairy, who had not been invited, came forth and cursed the princess, saying that she would prick her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel, and die (big surprise.) At this point, a previously unobserved fairy (except for Jon, who noticed her hiding behind a tapestry) came forward. Jon confronted her, but she explained her purpose, and he let her pass, so she could bestow her blessing to negate the previous fairy's curse.
At this point, we left the party, as our work there was done. We left again, through a back door, through the garden, where we encountered yet more strangeness. We saw a fox leaping for grapes growing overhead, and when I picked a bunch for him, he complained that they were too sweet. We saw a hare sprinting past a finish line, and saying, "I won, I won, the race always goes to the fastest." We heard a terrible noise, which turned out to be from a lion with a thorn in its paw. David pulled the thorn free, earning the lion's eternal gratitude. The lion was tagging along with us, and we encountered a group of Greek soldiers looking for an escaped slave. We hadn't seen the slave, but they were interested in buying the lion. Rather than start an ugly incident, David sold the lion to them for 30 pieces of silver. At the end of all this we encountered an old man in a bathrobe, with his UN appointed translator. He introduced himself as Aesop, and said he hoped we'd learned something from all these fables we'd seen acted out. We felt that we had learned something, but it probably wasn't the kind of thing we should be learning.
At this point, our guide dug up a wooden trapdoor, and told us to jump through, which, despite the fact that we trusted him about as far as I could through him, or, about as far as he could spit a rat, we did. And so ended our adventure in the land of fairy tales, (at this point Bryan would probably say something like, but we never did get any fairy tail.) Stay tuned for our next exciting adventure (assuming I live long enough to write about it.)