Web Gremlin Film Reviews

As a new feature, the Webgremlin (aka Hary Bere) will be reviewing movies. As with anything HB does, this requires some explanation.

First of all, the main criteria for any movie that HB reviews is "da pwot." In English, that's "the plot." When he says this, he is not refering to the narrative, but rather to the presence of giant creatures of destruction, either good or bad. For example King Kong and the original Godzilla are "weawy, weawy bad pwots" ("Really, really bad plots"). When Godzilla starts to help the people of Tokyo, he becomes a "good pwot."

HB reviews movies on the OSU movie channel. The OSU movie channel once aired David Fincher's "Seven" and the cute animal movie "Babe" back to back. HB thought this was one movie and the following reviews are from that point of view.

click here for the SE7ENBABE Capsule Summary (in English)

click here for the SE7ENBABE Film Auteur Review (in Webgremlinese)

---

_SE7ENBABE_ Capsule Summary

[Translated from Webgremlinese]:

Rating: worse than Wham!'s Greatest Hits, better then fudge

Yet again, a Plotless movie. In the first part, the guy running around choppin' up people could be a bad Plot, but he lacks giant robot superpowers. There is the potential for a very bad Plot indeed. In the second part, we have the complete absense of Plot. Perhaps the li'l pig could be a good Plot, and the way people were talking about "animatronics" raised my hopes, but to no avail. Next time, less anima, more tronics!

_SE7ENBABE_ Film Auteur Review

[In the Native Webgremlinese]:

Rating: "thihty peh cent wibofwavin, five peh cent niacin"

Plot: "not weawwy"

"whehe ah the Pwots in movies today?! Can onwee Japan do it wight?! Dat guy wunnin' awound choppin' up peopah and whitin' stuff couhd be a bad Pwot, but he wacks giant wobot supahpowahs. And whehe ah the mice?! Why ain't they singin' evwee time those two cop guys find a body 'n' stuff? Ah do give cwedit fo the scwipt fowwin' the young cop guy thwough the movie. It stahts off wit him gettin' twansfehhed to a weawwy wet city dat don't have many wights. He does a buncha stuff wit anotheh cop, and that's a cwose to a Pwot (and a weaawy bad Pwot, ah might add) as the movie gets. Thehe's a wemahkabuh wack of buttah in this paht of the movie. Then the young cop guy gets dwiven off somewhehe. The movie picks up again wit the young cop guy as an ohd fahmah. It must be fah in the futuh, cuz they sohved dat wain pwobwen, and they got wights and stuff. Now they got mice singin' bout stuff, but I couhdn't undahstand them. Foh some weason, the movie now focuses on a wittah pig, whose momma pig got dwiven away to da pig dismembahment pwant. My theowee is that the movie is wedoin' the fuhst paht of the movie oveh again in metaphoh, so dat the young cop guy is the pig, the ahmost-a-bad-Pwot is... uh..., ah guess the duck, and the ohd cop guy is..., uh, ah guess the dog who doesn't wike the wittah pig. Yeah! That means that the sheep must wepwesent the teemin' masses of the wainy city, waiting to get chopped up by a cwazy duck. Oh those sheep-steahwin' peopah. So I guess one of the messages of this movie is to watch out befoh someone twies to woad you up in a twuck and shaves off yo' body haih. But ovehaww the movie has a vehy new-Agey find-yo'sehf message, cuz at the vehy end, the young cop guy whose now a old man fahmah bonds wit the wittah pig, who is himsehf in metaphowicah fohm. The way the wittah pig wounds up the sheep (that is, the city peopah) with the magic wuhds (wike, "open up, dis is the powice!") wepwesents the young cop guy whose now an ohd fahmah takin' contwohh of his wife. Time foh sweep!"

---

Back to the Lair of the Web Gremlin