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3-5: Once again i say i'm really bad at updating and once again it seems like so much has happened over the past week. To recap: This past week sucked until the weekend. I thought I was gonna fail this one paper but i ended up doing pretty decent which totally made the day really good...LNY was awesome...so many awesome acts this yr...I wish i was in it hehe... Let's see...what else is there in terms of good news? God's blessed me in givin me the opportunity to study abroad this semester over in Oxford so i'll be there for sure =)...and even better, he's provided financially so it wont be a huge burden so this is def gonna be awesome. And I got this awesome gift for my mom (can't say what it is cuz she reads this now too haha).. You'll love it mom =)...I kinda wanna keep it haha...Once again, thanks to my friends who have been there for me...you guys kno who u are and if u dont, if i've come by sometime this week and just sat there w/o much of a purpose, then it's just cuz i've wanted to be around people and once again thanks =)...I can't say i'm doin too well emotionally rite now...everything was fine till Sunday nite. I got to see that special someone sat nite and i've decided that i need to hold my part of the bargain instead of waver and expect her to change...I promised her i'd be her friend and it's just really hard to do that...so instead i've decided to move on. Some would argue that it's hard to just force urself to move on, but i'm determined to do it...It's day one and so far it's been very very hard to not think about her. I think we'd be so good together hehe, but watevers...it's the past now...Things have been so up and down lately...and i can't stand the fact that she wont be straight up with me...it's like i just can't tell wat's going on in her life...she refuses to let me in...And even when she does tell me stuff i do nothing more than assume that everything she says is dictated by watever mood she's in...Girls seriously...so hard to put up with sometimes...But another thing is, she needs a friend rite now...not a friend that has ulterior motives like me...and up to now i can't say that i've been seeing if she's doin well just for her sake...like stuff affects me too. I'm not completely impartial to the situation and that's selfish of me. I can't be a good friend to her when she does affect me emotionally. So the solution was simple... move on...She'll be a great gf and wife to somebody...just not me. I love her to death and somehow this moving on thing's gonna be very tough for me emotionally. I think i understand now...when people told me i should be careful with who i end up dating, etc...b/c u always give a piece of ur heart away and i thought i knew wat that meant, but NOW i really kno wat that means. It's hard to think of anybody else...and i have a feeling she'll always be in my heart in one way or another. Nevertheless, i'm gonna try to be rational and set some goals (and smoke lots of cigs along the way hehe) in terms of wat i have to do...One thing i can't do is waver. I've seen friends do it and that never helps. I'm going to assume certain things to make this transition a little easier. Three, play more ball =). And four, let spring break put me in a lot more relaxed mood...i need time away. I envy those that can get home pretty much whenever they want. Gosh, it really doesn't help listening to certain songs. Some remind me of her just cuz i guess i can remember some particular event...others just make me think of her cuz of the lyrics...One song i've listened to on repeat is Heart by the one and only Britney...I had two bad dreams last nite...and that usually doesn't happen...i only dream of happy stuff or funny stuff...i only have bad dreams whenever i'm emotionally disturbed. Like when i was little, one time i got in trouble and my dad made me hold my arms up in the air kinda like robbers do when cops say hands up (you koreans kno wat i'm talkin about rite? ;) hehe) and like in general whenever i got in lots and lots of trouble i'd have bad dreams and i wouldn't be able to sleep peacefully...Well last nite was one of them nites...One more thing...i really hope that people dont think i'm like being fickle w/ all this...i'm not movin from one girl to another or somehting...i just feel like this isn't a situation where i should just wait for her...in other circumstances i think it makes a lot of sense but this aint one of those...ok then that's it for now...that's been on my mind so much that anything else seems really insignificant (hehehehe for those of u that were at Brodie friday nite u kno wat i mean =)...not that that was "significant," but it would've been journal worthy hahaha)...oh one more note, i made $17 playing poker fri nite =)...now to end a sad note, "There's just one way to learn sometimes we'll get hurt and rite now it's our turn..." cuz i really am feelin more bad than good...
2-27: Wow i'm getting really bad at updating this...Well since it's basically been a week since i've updated i'm not gonna try to go through the week in review, but there are a couple of things i remember that i should mention to remind myself...One thing, i need to stop slacking... Ever since the last journal entry i can honestly say i've done jack crap work wise...or just in general i've gotten really lazy...which is really bad...i'll have to catch up and all that yucky stuff...On another level...i think i still have probs in that my happiness is contingent on things outside of my control...i used to think that i was fine alone, but it doesn't seem like it...i've been getting depressed over things that in the past didn't bother me b/c i totally understood that i could do nothing about it...and usually knowing that would comfort me... argh...and my head is seriously so tangled now...it was fine until someone kinda jinxed me by insisting that u can't always depend on urself (grrr...control-7 heehee)...but like that same day after i was told that, my mental and emotional state started going downhill... and like it's b/c of wat i consider petty stuff...petty in the sense that if this is wat is bothering us then we're being ungrateful b/c life has so much good stuff to offer...and like argh it's just putting me in such a weird funk where days have gone by but i def didn't participate in the day if u guys kno wat i mean...it's like u just go through it and then sleep and then it's the same thing all over again...very pointless...and that's nto life!...wtf's going on....but i kno it's a phase and i'll get over it...just need to keep myself busy i guess...if this is all feelings related, i dont get it, b/c not much has developed with this person...like she hasn't really done anything out of the ordinary to trigger something within myself...and even then i'm starting to embrace something that i've always rejected and that's the mindset where u always expect the worst so if it doesn't turn out that way you'll always be surprised for the better...and i absolutely HATE having that mindset b/c it's so damn pessimistic, but here i am doin it...hehe ironically, the last time i had even talked about having that mindset was due to something regarding relationships and i'm sure some of u guys can see why having that mindset can be totally bad b/c it can kill a potentially good relationship even b4 it starts...but here i am doin the same thing...i guess i'll be honest...i'm just scared of getting hurt...or more like i'm TIRED of getting hurt...and i've done a good job of putting up a front but it's like wtf's the pt...school yr's almost over...haha not really ...but it's time for SOMETHING...ANYTHING...new to happen...OK onto something else...i think i'm going to be living with eddie nam next yr...my rooming situation always gets weird, but so far it's been good and i dont anticipate anything going wrong with eddie...I was gonna get a single, but there's a chance i can get a car if i live on central and it seems like all the guys are gonna live on central so that should def be fun...In terms of one's social life u gotta surround urself with a good group of guys to help u out of those stupid funks...
I think i'm stressed cuz i've been sleepin an awful lot lately and that's something i do when i'm depressed or stressed is sleep (if i can)...sigh...i hate being like this...it's like i wish something bad would just happen or things would improve instead of being stuck in between... like if something bad happened then i'd have an excuse to feel down...ok ok no i dont want anything bad to happen (must knock on wood), but i'm sure u get my pt...
Nostalgia...def a funny word...worst cases of it seem to come from songs bringing back very specific instances... places, events, actions, interactions...it even makes u think that something that was very obviously bad was potentially a missed opportunity...but no i kno most of it's bad...sigh... nothing ever works out...
Last issue...i think i've been doing a good job of protecting my own private life from other people...well it's good and bad...i haven't been opening up to everybody and i think that's a good thing but at the same time i dont think i've been opening up to people that could be potentially good and help me...but watevers...but for the first time in a long time i cna honestly say that there is not a single person who really knows wats going on in my head...usually there is someone or some people that can safely say wat my big issues are rite now, but that's no longer the case...Hmm final note: I haven't smoked since sat...i'm impressed w/ myself but maybe that's why i'm going through so much of this anxiety....
2-21: OK finally...done with lots and lots till spring break...This is def a good feeling. Let's see..this is another one of them trying to remember wat happened in the last few days and it aint workin well...but here goes...to begin, happy bday to sucky (yesterday)...the big 21...crazy...all these old people that can drink legally (i'm still 19 =( )...oh well i got another 6 months till the big 2-0. hehehe...thanx to all the carmichael girls for doin a great job with the party...It seems like a lot of people are going through some stuff here and there ...some i've been ignoring because my participation won't help (it's not that i don't care!) and with others i've tried to "be there." But it's def hard...i def have a prob of saying the right things at the right time...i mean true it's nice to just have someone listen when i have a prob, but i kno that most of the time i feel better when someone says something or gives me some advice. It puts things in perspective u kno?...My midterms went ok...econ could've gone a lot better. It's not like i didn't kno the material, but rather i suffered from the lack of mental focus...shouldn't have gotten 4 hrs the nite b4...otherwise the other two were good...but no excuses...i should've been more efficient and wise with my time... As for myself, i've been doin well...even with tests i haven't been that stressed...life as always is good...Oh it was def good seeing Paul and Steve again this past weekend...it brought back lots of old memories like talking trash on the bball court (the soph class beating them AGAIN! =) hehehe)...but yeah...kinda felt like a frosh again...but watevers... gotta move on =)...School makes my life so boring sometimes...i swear i'm forgetting something big...i kno some more stuff had to have happened...otherwise it means i did a pretty good job of focusing on school which is unusual...umm i did my usual sleep talking schpeal to matt... i vaguely remember doin it, but i don't remember wat i said...i guess that's it for now.. ok so this was a little boring...i apologize...final word: I care about u guys...i really do.. just trying to do wat's best for everybody...Well here's a quick poll...think i should do an im fast (i'm probably not going to but i'm curious to see wat u guys think)...
(This don't work yet...Even Duke OIT doesn't kno the right cgi script (watever that is) so once i figure that out it'll work but till then...
2-16: Haven't had a chance to update in a long time...I don't even remember what i did b4 valentines day...Usually Valentine's day makes me feel a little lonely as if i'm competent for not having a gf or something, but this yr it didn't seem that bad...But it seemed like some of my friends (not the guys) felt a little lonely...it's a damn hallmark holiday! hehe.. no but really, i think valentine's day can be a nice day just to say hi to people u might not have talked to in a while...Well, we somehow ended up losing to UVA, which is somewhat of a surprise but it seems like our team shoots free throws like last yr's pacers one game and then shoots em like shaq the next...plus we got outrebounded like 41-28...def not a way to win the game...to think that we lost by 2 is once again amazing...the reason i haven't really updated lately is cuz i had to write two papers, one due on thurs and one due today.. as of wednesday i hadn't started either of them...the one due thurs was supposed to be 4 pgs long while the one due today was a whoppin 10...somehow i managed to finish them all at the expense of two nites of sleep (i'm going to sleep till the afternoon after i finish updating) ...There was a lot of little stuff in between that kept me going...God def helped me with strength from some of the most randomest sources (caffeine, tobacco, sugar, friends, bball), and i made it...I had a really good (and raunchy lol) conversation with one of my best friends whom i hadn't talked to (for more than 5 mins) since like last sem it seems...Def appreciate it Angie...i'm really glad we talked...argh i got 3 midterms on monday and tuesday and cuz of all these papers i haven't had the chance to study yet...then again i'm only worried about econ...I love walking around Duke's campus...it's just so beautiful...i love the squirrels i just love watching them do watever it is that they're doing...hehehe ok...anyways one more week and then some breathing room till spring break =)...
2-12: Today was another great day even with the weather. It wasn't too cold (at least compared to wat peepz up north are probably going through...once again the weather here can't compare with wat we got back home =). Today was an interesting day (still good), but def up and down. Or more like up till the end of the day. For some reason i was starting to get depressed (still kinda am) and like i think i kno why, but it's surprising to cite that as the reason b/c i honestly thought that it didn't bother me that much. I guess i'm being vague, but i'll just cite a certain relationship as the reason. Haha i was gonna refer to her as "this person," but i think people easily realize that when i refer to someone like that (or any guy does for that matter), it means a girl. She just told me something i needed to hear. Nothing hurtful, nothing insulting, just honesty and i really needed to hear it, or rather it was good to kno wat was going on. I don't kno if she reads this, but if u are, u kno who u are, and really this is the way i think we should communicate. OK movin on, today yes today, i found out that billy on ally mcbeal dies (not cuz of a car accident, i dont remember which one of u girls told me) of a brain tumor! Wat the heck...soooooooo sad...u guys probably dont understand (hehehe literally guys) how much i loved ally just cuz of all that drama with ally, billy and georgia. He was like one of my fav characters...But now he's dead...i wish i could've seen the episode...on a side note, if u guys have a copy of that episode please lemme borrow it...i wanna see it so bad now. That seriously made me sad... Hmm let's see...wat else...well lets talk about the happier stuff. I got to talk to Julie about stuff and that was really cool =)...i'm glad we talked and opened up a little ;)...well no *I* opened up, but still i forgive u hehe. I def dont share as much as i used to...sorry Julie, it's weird talking to people younger than me i guess. Usually people say i talk a lot (too much), but like yeah i've noticed i dont tell too many froshies about the stuff going on in my life even when they ask (Judy u come to mind here too)...It's not a knock on u guys, but just i feel uncomfortable when i expose myself to younger peepz i guess. Anyways, i think i have the tendency to replace the things i miss with new things that SEEM to be equivalents. This was def the case frosh yr in a lot of ways and i see that tendency materializing rite now. Maybe the replacements will turn out to be better than the original, but as of yet, nothing beats the original. Who knows...ok this was long...movin on...
2-11: Maryland was awesome!!! It was really good to see you guys again (Mijin, Debbie, Diana)...Hope you guys enjoyed my company as much as i enjoyed yours! I also met some of Richard's guy friends which was fun too. Let's see, we went clubbing twice and just sat around and chilled errr...i mean stared at each other ;) lol. The drive up wasn't bad at all considering it's like 4.5 hrs. It sure didn't feel like it. On the way up got to relax (thanks Matt...ummm you are the coolest person ever hahaha) and on the way down got to talk to Paul, which is always good cuz he's one of the few dissenters (we tend to disagree on all sorts of things) i'll actually listen to. I guess i was really tired cuz i slept through the entire all star game (pretty much all of it) and didn't do much else today. Aww...i already miss hanging out with everybody up north...i guess i just needed some variety in my life and i got that. Also, through the trip, i've come to appreciate wat i have at Duke. I guess i had certain expectations going up to MD since i had never been there b4 and it was interesting to see how things turned out, but yeah...it's completely pointless to wish you were somewhere else and not be happy with wat you got cuz the grass aint always greener on the other side (not to imply that MD sux in anyway, but rather it's all a matter of attitude and perspective). Some interesting thoughts that i've had recently include: my disgust at a person's inability to deduce things...makes u wanna say how can you not see what's going on?! And like, sometimes i think a person chooses to selectively ignore circumstances just cuz they dont wanna put up with it at the moment or they're incapable of putting the past behind them...i guess this sounds rather than harsh, but yes, i'd be lying (and it's my journal :P) if i said i wasn't a least bit disappointed. Why some things seem to come a lot easier for some rather than others (open to interp), why is Duke bball so good? hehehe....just messin, but yeah...finally there's some more stuff, but i'm gonna put it in the spiritual journal just cuz it's more relevant there.
2-8: Man i had tons of work today. I really combined for 10 hrs of work (class, hw) today. Wow...impressive. It was Richard's bday today. Man he's 21, i'm 19...i feel young haha. Anyways i wish you a happy bday (yes a little late) and i'm really thankful we've gotten to be good friends this yr...OK enough of this gayness. I only write sappy things to girls ;)...that doesn't sound rite either. Just yeah...i'm homophobic (Joe...hehe)! Hehehe anyways I'm going to MD tomorrow!! Yay...I can't wait...awww Mijin, Debbie, Diana....you guys miss me rite? =)....We play...nice...And then another week of hell at school..make that two weeks of hell. That's gonna suck but once i get through that it'll be near spring break. Yay... and honestly i've been so diligent i feel like any break i get i really do deserve it. Like i said...everything's clicking...ok this is a cheesy journal entry but i'm tired...i did update the other journal tho so check that out =). 99
2-5: Let's see...what happened today? Well, I got to shake Shane Battier's hand today for being the best Asian bball player at Duke...(heehee), no actually, he came by Cable 13 to film an interview, which Dukies will get to see if they tent for the MD game. I think i might tent the MD game just cuz it'll be the last home game of the season. It'd be super cool if we ended up with a low number meaning we'd get to be on tv and i'd go crazy hehe...I was happy i finally got frames to work on this page and got some backgrounds. Now i need to scan some pics and make it even prettier ;). I'm def lookin forward to this weekend cuz of some stuff (being strategically vague hehe...don't worry, nothing scandalous). It's really hard to be completely honest in these journals just cuz i kno other people will read it, maybe the people i may end up talking about, or like i might say something that may seem negative (when it's not necessarily), due to something that might've happened vis a vis that person and if that person reads it i might sound like i'm mad. Maybe i should add a disclaimer that just says something like if u read this u can't use it against me...hehehe somethin like takin the 5th. Anyways, i don't kno wat's going on in my head...i'm startin to get confused about certain things (if you kno me, then this shouldn't be vague at all...if you think you kno me, then you're an idiot =P), and it's something that i thought i had been dealin with a lot better, but apparently not. Times like this make me wanna go back to HS where everything was just happy. Stress came in the form of a paper due the next day, or even if there were "problems" they were usually more superficial that could be solved thru financial means or a well-timed comment. Now everything can be perfectly fine, but sometimes i still don't feel 100%. I get annoyed by the littlest things (once again i mean it in this context, not life in general). Anyways, on a happier note, i got to talk to one of my best friends on the fone for a while tonite and that was good cuz we haven't talked in a long long time. Other than that, 5 more weeks till spring break!!!!!!!! yay...can't wait....ok then 99 people.
2-1: Wow that hurt...we lost to Carolina. Well to begin, gotta say they played better than us but like i was tellin richard the other day when we beat MD, by saying that you guys played better you make ur own team look bad...lemme explain. Once again Duke played a pretty mediocre game missing open 3s, layups, and most surprisingly free throws (we shot 13-27 which is unreal considering as a team we've been shooting 80%...that means if we shot just like 66% we would've won the game and it would've changed the game...). Plus the ref didn't help w/ the questionable call at the end. Watever happened to letting the players play! Grrr...and sadly, i've lost a lot of respect for Carolina. I used to have lots of respect, but now it's almost gone... i couldn't believe some of their clever cheers, but u kno wat?...I'm most disappointed in the crazies (hehe i might be in the chronicle quoted in response to the question, "wat is your reaction to the game?"..."i was very disappointed with the crazies."...why??? b/c the stadium was quiet at pts...so quiet that i could talk to people next to me w/o struggling, which is unheard of in Cameron. A very very sad day...they shouldn't let freshmen tent hehehe...there were way too many people watching the game and too few PARTICIPATING in the game...Anyways, regardless, we didn't get the W and for that i credit UNC cuz they made some big plays (i mean we just witnessed something that is just as likely as hitting the jackpot in the lottery ...haywood hitting two free throws?!...and jason shooting 4-10 at the line?...wow). But yes, Forte put in his usual 20 (he has the sweetest J) and Capel had his best game against duke ever (in the first half alone) so it wasn't our day, but it was carolina's. Nothing we can do about. OK now that i'm finally done venting, i must say, i'm really lookin forward to CALL...not necessarily in the same way as others (some of u might kno wat i mean), but just getting to praise...Let's see...wat else do i have to say?...i must say this carolina game took a lot out of me...i even painted my face blue and went all out for once...i was probably on tv, but since no one could recognize me i guess no one will have seen me =( hehe...ok it looks like this entry wont be very deep...sorry hehe...finally, one last word to u carolina peepz, not any single one of you were willing to put any money on this game meaning you may have bragging rights but dont u dare come to me unless u put something on the line ;)...it's ez to root for the winning team once they've already won, but rooting for them when they're the underdogs is another thing...ok then time for laundry heehee...bye bye
1-31: Well i've been checking who's been checking out this page and surprisingly i've gotten a good variety of domains...ucla??? wow...that means someone back home, but i haven't talked to anyone that goes to UCLA lately...maybe gay Fred (j/p foo)? hehehehe...Anyways, i think i've realized, through the help of the same friend mentioned below (hehe) that i've grown really cynical towards life and more specifically my faith. It's not a case of me rebelling against God or anything absurd like that because obviously he is almighty and something you just don't question, but just how life's been going and how i've been approaching things. I think i've lived w/ too many inhibitions. We'll see what this means...Nevertheless, i'm curious to see what Call will do to me this weekend. I'll be vague as to what i really think about it in case i offend somebody, but still, i hope that God just shows me something, anything. At the least it'll be a good time of praising and that's never bad =). Tenting last nite seriously sucked. Thank God, it wasn't cold at all, but the stupid head line monitor got drunk or something and basically called the tent check at 6:30am. We waited out there till 4!!! I ended up missing my classes. And now i gotta head out to the tents again..oh fun stuff...I must say, life has def changed or rather the stuff i think about. I think i'm confused about nearly every aspect of life in that both extremes are appealing. I guess i'm being vague again, but i'm sure some people kno wat i mean. But i'm def gonna be diligent. OK then...come visit us at the tents tonite!! We'll probably play some nickel poker and mafia =)...
1-29: Today was a good day as are most Mondays (strangely). I'm enjoying school a lot more this semester...So far at least, it seems like everything's been clicking and it's easier for me to choose to be diligent in lots of ways. It's things like this that seem to show me that God provides. Of course, it's potentially dangerous to fall into this sort of mindset, but anyways. I'm happy that i've finally got this webpage going. We'll see how it develops. Lately, I've been having this problem where i have a hard time talking to someone i used to have no problem talking with at all...it's really buggin. I don't think it's my friend, but it feels like it's happened all of a sudden...i guess one could guess that maybe feelings are involved, but that's really not an issue. I think i've learned enough when it comes to this kind of stuff. Anyways, i got class tomorrow and i dont kno when people are gonna actually start reading my entries, but hopefully i'll update everyday cuz i wanna use it as a journal for myself more than anything else.