3-5: God is good...i'm not...simple as that...i'm not faithful, he is. There is so much to be thankful for once again. I mentioned in the other journal how i'm gonna be at oxford this summer so that's def awesome. Rite now i need lots and lots of prayer. I guess i def got probs that i can't handle on my own...not that we never do. Another key concept that's been emphasized in my life this week is don't cheapen the value of Christ's death by attempting to do things by urself...Handle everything that life throws at you with prayer and thanksgiving... Sounds good to me...
2-27: Wat have i realized lately? The implications of salvation not being guaranteed, or that it can be lost...or rather u may have fooled urself that u never had it to begin with... how is one saved? through faith...how can one tell one has faith? (I mean i think i have faith but...) through actions...not trying to be legalistic...that's not the pt...in the same way that paul said that love and the fulfillment of the Law is the natural consequence of truly having faith in God, i guess it makes sense that actions are the logical consequence of faith as well...and sometimes i wonder if it's there...lately i think it's not there...def need to pray and read more...Gotta try to have my will and God's will match up instead of having that constant struggle of wanting things that God doesn't want....Anyways, doin James for my QT... i dont kno why...well part of it's cuz of the fact that James has that one verse about actions and faith...and like for shinwoo's bs we're doin 1 peter and the very first issue we've touched on is the concern i mentioned above...so i think it's time to really question my faith...nevertheless, i will try to be thankful and pray for a grateful heart b/c i repeat there's nothing bad going on in our lives except the sin we choose to participate in... every good and perfect gift comes from him....it's all a matter of perspective...
2-21: Yesterday's small group was really good...I think i've learned some practical stuff too...and ultimately it comes down to reading the Word and that's hard to do...i mean it shouldn't be yet i struggle with it so much. And as a result, i think that strains a lot of other stuff in terms of our spiritual lives. So instead of fasting or something through which i remind myself of God, i think i need to do more instead of take away. Also, i think Jason made a really great point in that most of us see God as someone we have an intimate relationship with, but that's not right. I think like Jason said, we're missing the word dependent here.. and even then i think people misunderstand wat that entails. It doesn't mean we ask for God to fulfill our selfish desires (things we might think are noble might still be selfish)... we need to pay more attn to see what he wants us to do and obviously that is very tough, but lately i think people have reinforced that diligence is the key, not just in our spiritual lives, but with school and relationships, etc...My temper's getting worse not better it seems and that bothers me...but i'll try to work on it...AND i need to ask God to help me with it.. nevertheless, life is good...God is always and forever will be faithful...
2-16: God is amazing...like i've been saying, lately i've been able to have more faith in him and like i kno it's not something i've consciously decided to do one day, but rather a change in heart...the past couple days i've been so fatigued in all ways possible, but yet he managed to energize me through all sorts of different things...plus, through it all he kepy my head up...i didn't really feel that much stress and i was usually pretty psyched whenever i had to write my papers...he just calmed and soothed me...incredible...of course i think i'm in what i will call a spiritual high rite now...it'll be curious to see how i react once i hit a dip...hopefully well?...I think God's def answering my prayer that i get to kno him better not because of relationships in my life but because of the things he shows me everyday cuz he is becoming such a daily part of my life...like every min...I think it's time i really try to work on some of my more negative traits...the whole be nicer to people thing hasn't been workin out that well...not tryin hard enough...also, i need to learn to control my temper...so much to do...ok...well that's it for now
2-12: I thank God for the energy he gave me throughout the day. I thank him more for contrasting the joy i had this morning w/ a downside just to teach me how to handle random moodswings (life's always unpredictable and we need to learn to cope w/ unexpected surprises). Oh and something kinda big that i should've mentioned in the other journal, but oh watevers (which reminds me, i think pretty soon i'll have to write one long entry just cuz i feel so much of my life involves God now...all thanks to him...in allowing me to think of him, etc. )but going back to the big thing...my dad came back from Korea. He's back home and like it's good that he's back...i think it's a reminder from God to work on wat he convicted me to do and that's show more love and be more responsible as a son to my family. I'm thankful that i've been reminded that i should just let tomorrow worry about itself. I'm really trying to focus on wat the day offers, but as u may've noticed just sittin here and reflecting doesn't always help that, but hey, it's not hurting my progress too much. I just think we should try to be more aware of the good things that happen around us...try it...just for a day, just think of all the good things...or rather make note of anything that makes u happy and when u notice something that's pissing u off, just take a step back and try to see it in a positive light... see how it'll benefit u...it's def interesting to see wat happens when u take that kind of approach to life. It's like when u look at things in the past and sure there are regrets, but u can at least say you've learned something. In the same way, i feel that u can have those sorts of thoughts now, if u just make an effort to do so. I think that's kinda wat Paul's talking about with all the joy in sufferin stuff too...(gotta reread that stuff), but yeah.. of course there will be times that God puts some huge obstacles in ur path, but it's just a training exercise. You might look back and think that you failed miserably, but even then, i think u're looking for the result way too soon...the results may not materialize for decades... patience is key...ok then enough from me...bye
2-11: First, i thank God for the safe trip we had this weekend up to Maryland and giving me a chance to see the East Coast and meet up with friends. Lately, i feel like i could really just rely on God in someways, even tho i'm never faithful back. My spirituality is def strange. Paul and I had a long talk on a lot of this on the way back from MD. (Thanks again Paul...i appreciate it). But like, somethings i really need to try to do is be less judgmental and stop rationalizing so much. Oh and that one thing called pride...But i really can't help it in a lot of ways, but i gotta try. So i had some alcohol this weekend and maybe i shouldn't have?, but honestly, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal for me. Perhaps it does taint my relationship w/ God, but...i dont kno...My mind's not as clear rite now as it was in the car w/ Paul hehe. But let's go to the issue of pride. I need to learn how to put up with people i consider difficult...i need to at least consider the possibility that perhaps they have some wisdom...i need to show love and consideration b/c God does the same, and we're infinitely worse to him than anything in my life...and most importantly, we need to submit. (OK so maybe we didn't talk about ALL of this Paul, but in reflection, this is coming up) I think this part's really really hard for me. I mean it's hard for everyone, but it's one of my biggest struggles (ok this makes it sound like i dont have too many struggles, hehehehehehehe far from it). Sometimes i wonder why i dont have the things that other people have...why God doesn't seem to provide or rather why God's set my life up in a way that things dont work out in the same way as other people, but like i've slowly been comforted in just understanding that there are so many other GOOD things in our lives that make up for it and even tho God may not reward us for our patience (salvation is enough of a reward...yes yes i kno i might not seem like i live w/ this mindset, but i really do thank God for establishing and maintaining a connection w/ me) he'll make sure we're not malnourished. God will feed us and if all we do is whine and complain, we won't see the blessings he's bestowed upon us. OK so i've deviated, but to those that end up reading this...ask urself this...is life really that bad (for those who feel that life might've hit a slump), or is it that you're making it bad for yourself just so u can get some pity? If you think you can honestly answer yes to this, then i say reflect some more. See what you have and compare it to ur friends or whomever, and if u're honestly being objective about it, u'll see that God's blessed u w/ something that not everyone has. If that doesn't help, here's a twisted way of seeing it...(Once again i never assume that works will bring any sort of benefit in this world)...but like, if your life really sux rite now (personally, i think that one only says that when they're not looking at life in the rite perspective..in ur perspective...if u've seen life is beautiful, u should understand that no matter how bleak life may seem, it ultimately comes down to ur attitude), then God's set ur life up so that it could only get better...so if u now change ur mind and think that things could get worse, then thank God that things aren't really that bad and that u've been ungrateful in complaining and if u agree that things can only get better...then pray for patience. Heehee, i guess i'm simplifying just a tad, but why did Christ love children so much? Sure they were cute and all, but i think it was b/c they never rationalized things or skewed things...they just had faith. We need to do the same.
2-8: God was really good today...exceptionally good. I had to do so much stuff today. I was really scared that i wouldn't be able to get everything done (and ultimately i didn't, but...), but i ended up getting most of the stuff done. I just prayed for strength and it was nice in that for most of the day i could really focus on what i had to do. Although this does make me wonder, i'm using God to my advantage rite now, but at the same time, i really think that one of the best ways to fulfill our duties at our age is do wat we're supposed to do very diligently and i must say i was pretty productive or at least i really really tried. Just keep swinging. Regardless, it's almost been a week since call and i dont kno wat to say. I still do some stuff i shouldn't (i guess) like profanity and i get angry at people still, but if it means anything, i've been supressing it more. I think that's one thing i really need to restrain. Oh yeah going back to today, i went to the library at around 3 to get a book i really needed to read for class today, but both books were checked out! I was so annoyed at first, but i think God just wanted me to take a break so i went outside and got to pray (today was BEAUTIFUL) and just take a nap. It was def nice. Then i got to have small group tonite...our first meeting this sem and i think it might be pretty small which should be interesting. I think today we all concluded that logic and the mind's not the best way to evangelize hehe ;). But really, it comes back to the question, how much of ourselves are we willing to give up to God? I kno i'm not giving anywhere close to 100%. We'll see...Finally, i just wanna give a shout out to Maureen! =)...awwwwww, it was so encouraging to hear from you girl...i really do miss you and wish we could've done more stuff back home, but uh i guess it never seems to work out. Hopefully we'll have sometime in the future to just talk about our views. "Lookin back i see the lead of love.".....soooo true....just gotta have faith with what God deals us. It's for the best.
2-5: Wow...Call was awesome. The speaker was awesome, the organization worked out pretty smoothly and the venue was great. Wow...wat can i say? Pastor Johan was so good!!! I learned a lot too. First, I've realized i've gone back to my old HS ways back when i was really cynical, which admittedly was fun, but cruel, and by doin that i wasn't really showin much love. This has many specific applications, which i'm not going to share just cuz it doesn't really mean anything to most people that will be reading this and then there's the other main application, which is just be nicer and more ez-going so people aren't on their toes just cuz i lash out so much or since i seem to be sarcastic at times. And another thing i learned is to "keep swinging." I've gotten really numb and cold lately as a human being (once again, relative in terms of my college yrs...be thankful u didn't kno me in HS ;) )...but anyways, i think i'll just focus on God more in simpler ways...just spending time reflecting more, once again in a more christ centered context. And def doin more QTs. It was also good to get some reinforcement in the sense that we have our roles. We've been placed in our roles for a logical (not to us necessarily, but to God) reasons, so we gotta do the best we can in that context, which just reinforced in my head that i need to be diligent. I think i really understood wat it means to fall in love with God this weekend. Anyways, gotta be diligent. All there is to it i guess.